


Don't go shopping when hungry, scratch posion ivy when itchy or for goodness sakes negotiate relationship status when horny!

by beneathameteorshower



Category: Gintama
Genre: And more spanking.., Attempt at Humor, GinHiji - Freeform, Gintoki is head over heels in love with Hijikita but you would never know it, Handcuffs, M/M, Miscommunication, Porn with Feelings, Spanking, This gets really explicit...don't write a fluff piece when horny!!, You have to dig for the feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:21:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26413327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beneathameteorshower/pseuds/beneathameteorshower
Summary: Gintoki negotiates relationship status with Hijikita.  Hijikita has sex with Gintoki.  As usual the two have communication issues.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah this was supposed to be a light fluff hopefully humorous piece and it got explicit... So yeah don't try to write a light fluff piece when horny! :)

"Shhhhhh!", Gin shushed Hijikita in the middle of his sentence.

Hijikita looked up to see Gin gawking at the TV clearly enamored by the weather girl. Annoyance blossomed in his chest. 

Hijikita reached up to turn off the TV. Gin caught his hand mid reach red eyes smug. A tussle ensued between the men. 

The TV came crashing to the ground.

Both men looked guilty for just an instant before they covered it up by blaming the other "Look what you've done, you tax thief! You owe me for that!"

'Me! This is your fault, if you hadn't resisted a police officer and--"

"Resisted a police officer, you unfair thug! Oy! Are you here in your official capacity? Are you arresting me today?". 

A brief taken aback look came over Hijikita before he said in his husky voice rolling his consanants for emphasis, "I will arrest you, you miscreant, for vandalism, breaking a TV, disorderly conduct, and assaulting a police officer". Hijikita reached for his cuffs, but Gintoki was faster grabbing them out of Hijikita's hands, grabbing his arms and clicking Hijitas hands behind his back.

A scuffle erupted, Hijikita trying to take Gintoki down by head butting him down to the ground, both men fell to the ground but Gintoki less encumbered scrambled on top of Hijikita's back pinning him to the ground. Hijikita's hands still cuffed behind him, he tried to buck Gintoki off, but Gintoki had all the leverage now and just smirked at him. To make matters worse for Hijikita, a hard slap landed on his ass. "That's for trying to arrest me." Hijikita tried to swallow his surprised grunt hearing the asshole's delighted crow. Another hard slap. ,"And that's for breaking the TV". A third slap "and that's for interrupting the weather report! In this house, the weather report is sacred!"

Hijikita growled, '"That's just it. You look like an idiot gawking at that weather girl! What is she to you but a figment of your imagination and I was trying to TALK to you."

There was a pause and Gintoki shifted positions and said sounding delighted "Oh my, is my dear Oogooshi-kun jealous? " His rough hands started to rub slow circles over the blossoming red on Hijikita's ass.

Hijikita tried to conceal the blush that came to his face and muttered, embarassed "no of course not jealous, we're just fuck buddies, afterall.". Damn it was hard to concentrate with Gintokis hand like that.

Gintoki leaned in close to Hijikita's ear and whispered, "Don't worry when I get my dick out at night it's your cute sexy ass I think about 100%", Gintoki patted the ass in question fondly making Hijikita flinch as it was still stinging from the spanking. 

"You lame brain! That's just it! You want to marry Ketsuno Ana, but you just want me for sex! ". Shit, did he just say that. Hijikita mentally face palmed. He would be living that down for months.

Gintoki's hand stilled for just an instant before it started back up it's caressing. "You want to marry me?"

"Well no, not marriage", Hijikita mumbled looking at the ground "but you know it does seem like it would be nice to sometimes wake up in the same bed. You know share breakfast together, that kinda thing"

Gintoki deftly undid Hijikita's belt sliding his pants down to his ankles , then shifted to the floor pulling Hijikita onto his lap lying him face down and ass face up in his lap. His hand now roughly caressed Hijikita's ass in a soothing way. "And who's making this breakfast I want to know"., Gintoki said combatively "I'll bet you've never boiled an egg." 

Hijikita flinched, it was true that he had never cooked it being so easy to rely on the barracks food. "Umm it can't be that hard to boil an egg...and that is not the point.."

Gintoki pushed his thumb into Hijikita stretching the sides exciting a small moan from the bound man "So your expecting me to get up stupid-ass early cook you breakfast so you can go off to your tax-thief job. What is Gin-san to you a slave?"

"Well no, I mean I can cook. I mean that is not the point! Cereal is fine for breakfast." Hijikita panted, feeling a bit bewildered by the turn of the conversation and thoroughly distracted by the thumb that was now working its way in and out of his ass stretching the sides eliciting waves of pleasure and heat.

"What! I'll bet you'll be serving the cereal with mayonnaise instead of milk! Oh no there is no way you're going to get me to eat that crap. Gin will be doing the cooking!"

Hijikita started as Gintoki accurately pegged Hijikita's favorite way to eat cereal. He opened his mouth to extol the virtues of the creamy mayonnaise mixed with the crunchy cereal but just then Gin slipped more fingers in and hit his prostrate and all that came out was a long low moan. 

Hijikita's thinking became cloudy as he yearned to have more than fingers fill him up. "Oh God please Gin," he moaned "please just fuck me."

"Not yet you greedy cop" Gintoki gave Hiji a light slap on the ass all the while his fingers working lube in and out of Hiji's ass. "We are not done here."

Done? Done with what? Surely Gin had stretched him even more than he usually did, Hijikita's cloud fogged brain wondered as he let out a moan arching his back and lifting his ass higher to drive Gin's fingers in deeper thinking about Gin's thick cock in his ass, God he would like to have that cock in his mouth. To taste it and suck on it. "Let me suck" he managed to get out between moans.

Gin appeared to consider this., "mmmm ok" He said pulling Hijikita gently up to his knees and deftly unbuckling his belts and pulling out his thick cock. Hijikita moaned at the site. 

*You become such a wanton mess so quickly my dear police officer. What would your squad think of you now..hmm?" Gin put his hands around Hiji's head and gently and fondly guided him onto his cock. 

"So the thing is... can't have …. scattered all over the place. Gin … not your maid…. clothes folded… left-side... Do you agree to that?"

Hijikita was not following the conversation but Gin had stopped thrusting in him and was waiting for an answer and it sounded like it was something about keeping his clothes folded. Well he had to admit his clothes usually got thrown all over the place and crumpled terribly during his sex sessions with the Yorozuya. But who's fault was that? Almost always the Yorozuya's. Anything to keep his uniform more neat was agreeable to him so he moaned yes around the Yorozuya's cock causing a shudder to run through Gin. 

Gin started thrusting slowly into Hiji's mouth but started nattering on again this time something about his DESK of all things. This was getting annoying. What was all this chatting during sex anyway. Sex was the ONE time the Yorozuya usually shut up, limiting himself ridiculously obscene comments (that Hijikita completely denied liking) and calling Hijikita crazy pet names (that Hijikita even more vociferously sometimes even violently denied liking). And just because his hands were bound and he didn't have the control he usually had when he could grasp Gin's hips to set the pace of the blow job, why did Gin think he could get away with this ridiculously slow pace and this distracted chatter! 

So Hijikita relaxed his throat and let the saliva build up and just as Gintoki leaned in he thrust himself onto Gin’s cock, sucking him in deep, at the same time letting his tongue swirl over it. He was rewarded by Gin words turning into stuttered choking and then a low moan and then quick panting.

“Oy, You bad bad cop!”, Gin said pulling out of Hijikita with a pop and lowering his face to directly in front of Hijikitas, stroking Hijikita’s jaw “You almost made me come before the main event and who would be most disappointed then? Hmmm? Silly cops need to be punished I think”, he said sitting down on his desk chair, and pulling Hijikita onto his lap for the second spanking of the afternoon.

As aroused as Hijikita was, he felt each spanking slice through his body, the slap sparking pleasure and heat right to his core. "Oh God Gin, please more. Harder! Please " he whimpered as he arched back completely loosing it his world reduced to each slap his hard cock dripping precum. He thought he was going to come right then and there.

Hijikita could almost hear Gintoki smile. Oh you will be getting something hard in you, " Gintoki whispered nuzzling Hijikita's neck as he gently nudging Hijikita's legs apart.

Hijikita's whole body shuddered in anticipation. He was embarrassed to let Gintoki know just how much he wanted it. Just the thought of Gintokis cock sliding in him made him shiver. Gintoki with his damn awareness that seemed to come at just the most inconvenient moments seemed to be aware of just how much Hijikita wanted his cock and slipping out from under Hijikita leaving him bent over the chair, slipped his cock just brushing up against Hijikitas entrance slipping in just a bit, teasing him and eliciting a moan from the bound man. 

“Come on Hiji-kun, tell me what you want.” Hijikita was in no frame of mind for talking and just let out a long, low moan “Now poodle pups, you need to use your words, tell your daddy what you want. Say ‘oh please fuck me master Gin’” 

“WHEN I GET MY SWORD BACK, I WILL SLICE YOU IN TWO YOU BRAINLESS, IDIOTIC MISCREANT IF YOU DON”T FUCK ME RIGHT NOW!!”

There was a low chuckle from Gin, and then Gin was sliding in him in long hard strokes and Hjikita’s brain went fuzzy each stroke eliciting increasing waves of pleasure. He let out a moan which seemed to fuel Gintoki on, quickening the pace until Hijikita body was wracked with pleasure, 

Hijikita collapsed and strong arms pulled him in tight. It's a thing that had been happening lately. At first after the sex, Hijikita would be up and dressed right away his mind snapping back to everything he needed to do, the pile of papers left on his desk, the current case that needed solving. But once, after an orgasm had rocked his whole body and left him like weak jelly, Gintoki wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into him, his body curling around Hijikita like a warm cocoon, and Hijikita allowed himself to relax,. This deep relaxation that Hijikita felt wrapped in Gintokis strong arms after the pure exhaustion of the orgasm as if he was disembodied and floating surprised Hijikita and he was even more surprised by how much he loved it. It was pure bliss; much deeper than any relaxation he achieved in his normal life in the barracks. He let it go on a little longer and a little longer each time he was with Gintoki until now it was Gintoki who usually pulled him out of it, gently nuzzling his ear then his neck then his shoulders until Hijikita stirred and Gintoki still nuzzling him would surprisingly gently ask if Hijikita wanted to take the first shower...

Hijikita came out of the.shower feeling great to the sight of Gintoki facing away from him watching static on the TV, the cracked glass looking like it was just waiting for the next bump (or perhaps Kagura returning home) to completely fall out.

"Oh I'm… I'm sorry about that . .. I can umm .." he began but then stopped as the staticky noise resolved into 'storms give way to sun but hold on tight because it's going to be WINDY out there!' 

" HEY THAT'S KETSUNO ANA!!" 

"shhhh!" Gintoki shushed him staring at the TV and then giving him a sidelong glance thrust a badly patched duffle bag at him., "Here."

"What's this for?", Hijikita said eying the duffle bag dubiously which was thread bare and seemed about to fall apart except for a system of badly sewn patches.

"Your stuff.", Gintoki said still staring at the static on the TV "Remember left side of the closet only, Gin-san has important stuff stored on the right. Suppers served at 6:00. DON'T BE LATE!! Kagura can only wait so long before the neighborhood is in danger"

Hijikita's mouth fell open in stunned surprise. "Urgghhh" he managed.

Gintoki turned to look directly at Hijikita and just for an instant challenge flickered in his red eyes. Then he turned back to the TV, "Looks like Ketsuno Ana is over, Now they are showing that damn cop show, My Mami's Advice. Whoever heard of a cop that listened to their mother's advice anyway? But who knows they might do better for it."

Hijikita tried again, "Err ugh. Cigarette! Need a cigarette. Left them in my other boot.. I mean hat.. jacket pocket."

"Oh, almost forgot.", Gintoki said lazily launching a second bag sideways at Hijikita, "for the white-stuff... This is a strictly BYOM establishment!"

It was only through years of reflexes developed through MANY things being launched at Hijikita's head that he deftly reached behind him and grabbed the bag out of the air as he turned and FLED Gintoki's apartment.


	2. Jelly's best on toast

Back in the safety of his room in the Shinsengumi compound, Hijikita took a long drag from his cigarette and stared through the cloud of smoke at the two bags laid out neatly on his desk beside each other. It hadn't been an easy journey home. Why was it, he reflected, that when you want to get home quickly and quietly that's exactly when the universe conspires to put the most obstacles in your path? First of all, there had been that cat-lady and the old woman who owned the bar sitting on the stoop, taking a smoke break. The cat-lady took one look at him hurrying away at what Hijikita was sure a respectable pace and snorted "What did your lover-boy do to you this time?". And then that old lady with some sort of preternatural mind-reading ability said, "Maybe he asked him to STAY" and then they both broke out into harsh laughter. Hijikita slowed his pace only enough to deeply breathe in the glorious nicotine filled air.

Then there had been the woman shouting "Help, police! He stole my purse!" Hijikita didn't even slow his pace but clobbed the perp from behind knocking him unconscious and tossed the purse back to the lady which she caught with a grateful and startled "Thank you officer!"

Shortly after that Yamazaki appeared waving a two-for-the-price-of-one mayonnaise coupon with a proud look on his face. Hijikita only had time to grab the coupon out of Yamazaki's hand and grab a lamp pole with his other hand before a crazy strong wind sprang up as if it was intent on blowing him back to the Yorozuya. Yamazaki wasn't as lucky and got blown back in the direction Hijikita had come from squawking in surprise. "Yamazaki", Hijikita yelled as Yamazaki was blown by him, "Arrest the perp I laid unconscious! Don't worry you're being blown in the right direction!".

After that the going had been hard with Hijikita having to practically claw his way from handhold to handhold to make any progress avoiding objects and people being blown in his direction. Prince Hata came tumbling down the street yelling "Help me!" with his advisor close behind. Well this was one time when the bakufu couldn't fault him for ignoring the amanto's plee, there being no extra-large Hata-sized butterfly nets in sight, there was not much Hijikita could do to help the prince. Then Captain Harada came tumbling after them giving Hijikita a salute along the way. Then had been Kondo hooked by his feet on a distant telephone pole for all the world like a giant flag for the gorilla nation,waving frantically in Hijikita's direction and yelling "Toshi! Toshi!" Hijikita pretended to not notice Kondo as he continued his way to the barracks.

Then right in his doorway was Sougo taking a nap as if lying in wait for Hijikita having somehow found the ONE spot sheltered from the wind. It was almost magical how only a few strands of Sougo's blond bangs moved as if gently wafted in a summer breeze.

Well Hijikita was in no mood to deal with Sougo and made his way around to the back of the barracks and crawled into his room by the back window. Luckily anyone that would have been there to witness this slightly cowardly behavior on Hijikita's part had, long since, been blown away.

So it was that Hijikita sat staring at the two bags pensively as if at any moment they might leap up and take a bite out of his hand. Hand trembling only slightly, he lit a third cigarette seemingly not noticing the other two already stuck in his mouth. What had Gintoki meant by giving him the bags? Was it an invitation for just one night or had Gintoki meant a more permanent stay? He tried to recall the conversation desperately. "Dammit, the wrong order" he muttered they hadn't even kissed. You don't invite someone to be a live-in boyfriend when you haven't even kissed. It had been an unspoken rule between them. They had plenty of sex, really a WHOLE lot of sex, really they gave bunnies a run for their money, Hijikita had to admit to himself, but that was as far as it went.

Just then Kondo interrupted Hijikita's thoughts, entering the room with a huge crash. "Kondo", Hijikita said dryly looking at Kondo splayed out on the floor with the door under him "I wished you had knocked. The door is useful for I don't know, winds like this!"

"That's just it Toshi!', The winds aren't natural! They're being caused by one of Prince Hata's pets! Apparently, Hata had two females caged together but what he didn't know was that their gender is fluid and now they have bred and multiplied and busted out of their cage! And their locomotion is by rocket propulsion causing a huge wind behind!"

"No, no that can't be the case.", Hijikita said logically, "Ketsuno Ana predicted this wind. Meteorologists use weather patterns and high and low pressure areas, and temperature changes, that sort of thing. You can't predict in advance weather caused by run-away aliens."

“Toshi, that's weather people's JOB, they predict the weather." Kondo said innocently as if it was Hijikita who was clueless . And then when Hijikita didn't look convinced he grabbed Hijikita by the collar and dragged him out of the destroyed doorway. 'Look!", he said pointing to the sky.

"Oh it's beautiful!" Yamazaki gasped at Hijikita's elbow (where had he come from?). And then Hijikita looked up and he realized he'ld been so intent on the next handhold that he had never looked up on his way home. It WAS beautiful. The whole sky to the south was filled with what looked like translucent glittering jellyfish, their long tentacles trailing behind waving in every different color, the rays of the sun catching them sideways and making them shine like jewels in the sky.

Then Sougo was there with what Hijikita was satisfied to see was a Kondo-sized footprint on his face. "Looks like it's jelly target practice", Sougo said blandly and raised his bazooka. Hijikita had just enough time to say "No, I don't think that's..", when he shot off the bazooka and the missile pushed back by the wind came whistling back and exploded right next to Hijikita catching his sleeves on fire and destroying what was left of his doorway.

"Looks like my aim was a little short" Sougo said raising the bazooka again.

"That's just it Tosh!i". Kondo said as Hijikita attempted to grab the bazooka from Sougo. "We can't get anywhere near them. All the bullets and ships get pushed back and blown off course by the wind!" and he took the bazooka admonishingly out of Sougo and Hijikita’s hands looking for all the world like a parent taking a contested toy away from unruly children.

Hijikita got out a cigarette and stared at the jellies. “How fast do you think they are going?”

“About 70 miles per hour based on the reports and sightings that have been called in”, Yamazaki said at his elbow.

“Good, get on the line to the south district 27 police station”, Hijikita ordered.

\------------------

It was just as the last rays of the sun were going down that Hijikita appeared at the Yorozuya’s doorway. “Gin-san”, Shinpachi called, “The vice-commander wants to see you, he said outside.”

Gintoki appeared in the doorway and leaned against the doorframe taking in Hijikita's disheveled appearance, the windblown hair, a cigarette dangling as if about to fall out of his mouth, a long red welt across his cheek, the charred sleeves of his uniform and three bags at his feet. "You're late."

"Things came up." Hijikita said matter of factly.

"How'ld you get that?" Gintoki said gesturing at the gash.

"Sting of a wind jelly.". It had not been from fighting a wind jelly or anything heroic like that that Hijikita had gotten the scratch. The Shinsengumi had gotten on the phone with every police station within 60 miles south off the Shinsengumi compound as well as the fishing guild and all the fire stations in the area and had them mount fishing nets in the sky, some mounted up on poles, some dangling down from hovering spacecrafts manned with skilled fishermen from the harbor to direct operations. It turned out that upwind of the jellies though breezy there was no directed blast and the ships could maintain position and though quite a few ships got pulled through the air and some nets flat out broke, once netted they could slow the jellies to a manageable speed and reel them in. So it had been during the seemingly endless job of bagging the wind jellies to be shipped off to their home planet where, the ambassador assured them eagerly, they were an endangered species and would be welcomed that Hijikita had learned to avoid the waving tentacles. It had later come to light that the REASON the wind jellies were endangered was because they were considered a delicacy on the planet and the ambassador's eager demeanor took on a whole new light.

"And that?" Gintoki recalled Hijikita to the present gesturing at his charred uniform.

"Oh, Sougo tried to blow me up.

Don't you dare touch him!". Hijikita continued as Gintoki's eyes narrowed. *He's under my protection."

Gintoki's eyes opened in surprise, then he snorted "You know, you and me, we might be less different than you would think."

"You're admitting my superiority and want to be like me."

"THATS NOT... " then Gintoki paused catching himself up and eyed Hijikita suspiciously. "Why did you call me out here anyway?"

"Oh that" and Hijikita turned red but tried to cover his blush by focusing on putting out his cigarette. "You see there is a proper order to these things", he mumbled.

Gintoki looked at him quizzically.

Well it was now or never and Hijikita had never been one to back down from a challenge, his heart beating hard and face aflame he took a step closer to Gintoki. What if he was wrong? What if he was imposing. What if Gintoki had just meant overnight. What if kissing was still off limits and for that matter did he really want to make that commitment to this man that drove him crazy in more ways than one, and he looked at Gintokis lips, pink and slightly chapped, he was so close he could feel Gintoki’s warmth. Gintoki was looking at him intently and his heart beat faster in his chest and in the end he didn't know quite how it happened but he had leaned in and his lips were pressed against Gintoki's soft ones and then Gintokis arms were around him pulling him close and he knew, absolutely that this is what he wanted what he had wanted all along, that he wanted to move in with Gintoki, to take the risk and even if his heart got broken again, and he had to admit he wasn’t over the first time, it would be because he had taken the risk rather than avoided it. And then it was like Mitsuba was there and in all her gentleness and kindness but with that spark in her eye with which she defied the world was telling him he should go ahead and try the SPICY cracker. He leaned in and deepened the kiss as a thrill passed through his body but Gintoki who also had a bit of a blush leaned away and gently wiped a tear from Hijikita’s cheek.

“Are you ok?”

“Oh yeah” Hijikita said horsely, then in explanation “It's only the second time I’ve kissed anybody.”

Gintoki looked at him and a look of understanding passed over his face “I’m honored.”, he said quietly and then noticing the two kids gaping at the window said louder “Well, we better get you in and fed and baking soda for that sting. Kagura, Shinpachi! Your new dad is here.”

“I’m not--”. Hijikita began.

“Does this mean we can finally eat??” Kagura exclaimed, “Gintoki had us set an extra plate, but didn’t say who it was for and wouldn’t let us eat a bite. But now I know, he was bringing his new wife home! This is a proud day in any mother’s life when her son brings home a new wife!”

“Don’t listen to them, Hijikita-san”, Shinpachi said earnestly, “we all know that becoming Gintoki’s husband doesn’t make you our dad. Though I wouldn’t mind learning something about policing from you if you wanted to.”, he continued shyly.

Hijikita felt like he was suffering from familial whiplash. Then he shrugged. Mitsuba had said the spicy cracker after all. Gintoki leaned down to grab a bag and Hijikita felt retribution when Gintoki grunted and almost dropped it. “Oy! What the hell did you pack! This is heavy.”

“Was a television, if you didn’t just break it”

“Damn I could use some help. How did you get it all up here?”

“I’m strong.”

Gintoki grunted, picked the television back up and somehow dangled the other two bags from his arms and looking for all the world like a coat rack draped in packages made his way into the apartment. Hijikita followed smirking and not mentioning that Yamazaki had helped him carry the tv up the stairs.

“Hey what’s for supper?”

"Jellyfish Sashimi”, Gintoki grunted proudly.

Hijikita’s world righted itself. The universe was laughing at him. This felt normal. He suddenly knew this was absolutely where he was supposed to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I have to admit I got a bit teary eyed when writing about Mitsuba. Such a sad story.


End file.
